Ouch!

I wrote a poem. That I don't feel like sharing just yet. But here's what I'm thinking:

I'm a really big sinner. Like extremely. I lie. I cheat. I gossip. 

But my biggest sin (in my opinion, not God's) is my idol worship.

I've turned almost all of relationships with people I love into idols.
The world tells me that I am totally unlovable because
of A, B, and C aspects of who I am. The terrible parts of me I don't like people to see.
So when somebody does love me...

Ooooh what joy!! How magnificent that you could ever love me! 

Thanks for looking the other way to my disgustingness.

Why is this so bad?

Because trust in human beings is faulty.
And when you put trust in humans rather than in God your gambling your life.
And trust me when I say that you're not going to win.
I didn't. I haven't. The only way to guarantee life is to place that trust in the gospel.

The gospel: It says that I am loveable even with 

all of the crap that seeps through my perfect woman facade. 

Someone loves me. And that someone proved that love

 in a bigger way than anyone else can. No not dying on a cross.... 

Reconciling me to my Creator.

But whenever I forget that. And place my trust in Lee
(or other loved ones but lets face it, hes the most obvious),
I always end up hurting him.
Because he even loves me in the first place,
I expect perfect Christ-like unconditional love 
from him and when I feel like i'm not receiving that
I get angry. I want to scream YOU'RE NOT PERFECT!
YOU'RE A SINNER! I HATE YOU!
And this is all my brokenness talking.

I dont' feel like wrapping this all up neatly so I'll end with this:

On one low day, my staff worker Karen prayed over me. 

"Lord, we know that people are fickle. But you are faithful."