So I quickly packed a bag with what first comes to mind. the essentials: a good book, an excellent pen, a million and one bobby pins (because God knows I need them all) and a tube of chapstick. Uhhuh. No sweat. I've said goodbye to the important people. My puppies. My car, Genie. The Fed Ex guy. The most difficult part of leaving was looking for my sun glasses. They were in my car last. Ah well... Now I'm about to peace out to Mexico.
If only that was true. Lets try this again... So it took me three agonizing days to pack. Asking myself ridiculous questions like "Will I want to wear heels to church?" And "Will holey jeans offend my host family?" One medium size suitcase later... I'm still questioning my toiletry choices. Penciled in among post office.bank.target.financial aid office.graduations, I've said goodbyes to the people that love me the most. My mom. CABS*. Holly. My fellowship. You. Amidst alllathat I've been struggling with deciphering God's promises from the enemy's lies. I'm struggling with: Loneliness. "No one understands how I feel right now." Distractions. I have about four broken relationships that have sprouted up within two weeks of leaving (But praise the Lord 3/4's of those relationships have been mended.). Inadequacy: If I'm not even important enough to do _____, then how am I qualified to be a missionary? Selfloathing, "I suck. I'm selfish. I'm everything God wouldn't want me to be." But ya know what, my weaknesses make God's sovereignty perfect. I'm ready to be emptied out so that God can just use me as a tool. So yes, I'm a frantic out of control mess. But I can be, because I know Someone who is in control!
Also, God finally gave me a missions/vision statement for this summer.
to love. and to receive.
verses for this summer:
2 Corinthians 12:9
John 13:35
* Candice Angela Blessie
Too Much Cutsies!
umm can i please trade places with that adorable
babykins and get a papa puppy picnic hug? please.
i have a feeling this bunny is always cute.
but you get extra points karatebunnay for being a ninja.
it should be enough that this is the first baby hippo
ive ever seen. but this is a polite baby hippo. hand smooch, please.
my future babykins, please.
.....
so why God, why?
Dear J.M. Barie
Sir,
I have a bone to pick with you! [I never quite understood this expression. I think it means something like "If you were in my car right now and I had complete control of where we were heading I would take you some place where I could yell at you and maybe cry after!!!!!!]
You convinced me that I could be whatever I desired to be when I grew up. Including: a child. So here I am. 19 years old, yet still very much a child. And look, there I am 20 years from now and still, I will be but a child!
If I could go back in time I would have read Oliver Twist or Little Women for my 4th grade book report. Then maybe I would grow up! Or maybe... I would be miserable and boring and sensible. Yechhhh. So thankyou, J.M. Can I call you J.M? You are the one who has inspired me to to dream.
I have a bone to pick with you! [I never quite understood this expression. I think it means something like "If you were in my car right now and I had complete control of where we were heading I would take you some place where I could yell at you and maybe cry after!!!!!!]
You convinced me that I could be whatever I desired to be when I grew up. Including: a child. So here I am. 19 years old, yet still very much a child. And look, there I am 20 years from now and still, I will be but a child!
If I could go back in time I would have read Oliver Twist or Little Women for my 4th grade book report. Then maybe I would grow up! Or maybe... I would be miserable and boring and sensible. Yechhhh. So thankyou, J.M. Can I call you J.M? You are the one who has inspired me to to dream.
Love,
Sosina Pan
At that time Jesus, full of joy through the Holy Spirit, said, "I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children. Yes, Father, for this was your good pleasure. (Luke 10:21)
Date Day.
Today was one of my infamous whimsical days [June 2].
My first one in June, but my second one this week.
I traveled relatively far until I found a park I had never been
too before. Which is quite a feat for me, Queen of The Park.
too before. Which is quite a feat for me, Queen of The Park.
I was armed with the necessities: sesame chicken, sweet tea,
a useless camera, the holy bible, and (not pictured)
a knife for protection purposes.
a useless camera, the holy bible, and (not pictured)
a knife for protection purposes.
I think my stomach shrunk during the fast because
I can't eat as much as I used too. I took a couple bites,
deserted my chicken, and looked for something whimsical to do.
I decided that sitting on the table was whimsical
and appropriate for a picnic. So I did.
[No one could tell me to keep my feet away from the food!]
Next, I remembered my purpose for the day.
So I spent a good two hours texting, praying, and
Psalms37ing. I'm a proud
IPrayButNeverReadMyBibleDuringQuietTimeser,
Psalms37ing. I'm a proud
IPrayButNeverReadMyBibleDuringQuietTimeser,
but there's some serious power in accompanying the
Word of God with the voice of God. And thus, an epiphany.
My bible is totally inadequate for my needs.
Example: Accompanying Psalms 37 is a little blurb about how
"the desires of your heart" may not mean acing a test
or getting a cute boy to like you. Immediately, I left and bought
myself a Women's Study Bible. Not only is the bottom half
of the pages filled with all sorts of knowledge and stuffs
but THE BIBLE WAS HALF OFF Y'ALL. Jeez, you
know you're Intervarsity when you love a good deal on all things holy.
Word of God with the voice of God. And thus, an epiphany.
My bible is totally inadequate for my needs.
Example: Accompanying Psalms 37 is a little blurb about how
"the desires of your heart" may not mean acing a test
or getting a cute boy to like you. Immediately, I left and bought
myself a Women's Study Bible. Not only is the bottom half
of the pages filled with all sorts of knowledge and stuffs
but THE BIBLE WAS HALF OFF Y'ALL. Jeez, you
know you're Intervarsity when you love a good deal on all things holy.
[Me rocking the side pony and being a proud mama of my Whimsical Day Purchases.]
Feeling whimsical, I headed off to do what I do best.
Affirm and encourage!
With a pocket full of ripped up envelopes bearing
secret messages, I headed to Barnes and Nobles. I decided that
since my life is so full of joy that I should let that seep
onto the pages of some books. So I left
secret messages, I headed to Barnes and Nobles. I decided that
since my life is so full of joy that I should let that seep
onto the pages of some books. So I left
my mediocre notes in eating disorder help books.
I have a peculiar bookpicking exercise. It takes me about
an hour and a half to choose 5 books. I've been told
an hour and a half to choose 5 books. I've been told
[and told and told yet I choose to ignore and ignore and ignore]
that old saying "Don't choose a book by it's cover".
Yet that is precisely what I do.
that old saying "Don't choose a book by it's cover".
Yet that is precisely what I do.
That's not meant to be taken literally anyways, right?
Next, I compare prices and the frugal fraggle in me buys the
cheapest book. I ended up with Push by Sapphire. It happens
to be the book that the movie Precious is based on. I was
deprived of that knowledge when I bought the book,
cheapest book. I ended up with Push by Sapphire. It happens
to be the book that the movie Precious is based on. I was
deprived of that knowledge when I bought the book,
but nevertheless the book was goooood.
[Sigh, I finished it already, I don't know why I don't just get
a library card.]
a library card.]
The rest of the day went very quickly. I kept it
whimsical and I ate escargot [pictured above] for the first time.
It tasted like garlic and pesto. Perhaps because it was
smothered by garlic and pesto. I'd eat it again if it
wasn't for my inner voice screaming
SLUGGGGGGGGGG.
whimsical and I ate escargot [pictured above] for the first time.
It tasted like garlic and pesto. Perhaps because it was
smothered by garlic and pesto. I'd eat it again if it
wasn't for my inner voice screaming
SLUGGGGGGGGGG.
Then I literally screamed because the
power went out, causing everyone in the restaurant
to gawk at me. I ended up driving home in the absence of
power went out, causing everyone in the restaurant
to gawk at me. I ended up driving home in the absence of
traffic lights, street lamps, and rain.
But the lightening made up for all that.
But the lightening made up for all that.
Even the storm was keeping it whimsical.
Learning...
Lessons learned in June. [ALREADY, I know!!!]
1. God is faithful. Count on Him. And only Him. In the
first week of April I made the decision to fast until June 1, 2010.
I wanted to give it all to God and show that I can totally rely on
him for provision. Basically, I stopped eating meat, prayed,
and hoped my team would be fully funded to go on our
various missionary trips by the deadline. I got an email last
night sayingthat we were still $9,300 short. I felt discouraged.
first week of April I made the decision to fast until June 1, 2010.
I wanted to give it all to God and show that I can totally rely on
him for provision. Basically, I stopped eating meat, prayed,
and hoped my team would be fully funded to go on our
various missionary trips by the deadline. I got an email last
night sayingthat we were still $9,300 short. I felt discouraged.
Well today, I ate meat. Mr. Morgan made eggs and bacon for
breakfast and I forced them down. It is ironic because I don't ever eat
baby animals (eggs) or pigs (in any form). So for the first day
of my fast being over, I ate things I usually wouldn't
baby animals (eggs) or pigs (in any form). So for the first day
of my fast being over, I ate things I usually wouldn't
eat anyways. But then my second mama, Tena, bought me a
cheeseburger at Sisters (a really cute country burger place
in Barksdale). Which was seriously THE BEST burger
I ever ate. Maybe it has something to do with not having had
one in a couple months ;) [Funny blurb: my mom fixed me
a huge plate of meat on May 31 because she thought it was June.
Shes amazing. Didn't eat it, but still appreciated.] Also today, I got
another email saying that $9,300 has dropped to ZERO.
My heavenly Father kept His promises.l He is so so good.My
team is FULLY FUNDED! We raised enough money to go to
Milan, Mexico City, Kolkutta, etc! Praise the Lord!
cheeseburger at Sisters (a really cute country burger place
in Barksdale). Which was seriously THE BEST burger
I ever ate. Maybe it has something to do with not having had
one in a couple months ;) [Funny blurb: my mom fixed me
a huge plate of meat on May 31 because she thought it was June.
Shes amazing. Didn't eat it, but still appreciated.] Also today, I got
another email saying that $9,300 has dropped to ZERO.
My heavenly Father kept His promises.l He is so so good.My
team is FULLY FUNDED! We raised enough money to go to
Milan, Mexico City, Kolkutta, etc! Praise the Lord!
"whaaat there's no HEBs here?" What I'm getting at is very
Rebecca by Daphne Du Maurier. Recently I felt as if I was in
Manderley, trying to figure out what happened to Monte Carlo[???].
Sometimes your mind screams "I'm DONE. I CAN'T. I HATE." But
your heart is screams "I LOVE. I CARE. I'm NOT." It's all about
drowning those sounds with the voice of God. His sheep will hear
His voice. [John 10:17] Sometimes it's not about trusting God when
the situation is good. Sometimes it's not about trusting God when
the situation is bad. Sometimes it is about trusting God when that
wasn't the situation at all.
3. My life is crazy and unexplainable. I'm dumb and
annoying and emotional. I'm too loud and too shy.
I laugh at inappropriate times and I cry lots. I don't
like everyone no matter how hard I try. I curse when I'm
really upset. I forget important things. I'm too young but I think
I'm wise beyond my years. I'm wrong. Alladatime. But I'M
WORTH IT. Hey, so are you:) You're a daughter [or son] of
God and YOU are so worth it.
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